hey yall watz uppppp :3? im up late on my day off and trying to clean, but of course im procrastinating XD well while i was procrastinating i came to a realization. in the past in my life, whenever people say stuff that makes me uncomfortable i almost always would agree with them. if someone made a joke that made me uncomfortable, i would laugh, and even continue joking with them. well i think that part of the reason i do that is because when i was little i got bullied a lot, but i never wanted my bullies to think they had gotten the best of me... and so i would always go along with it, never voicing my discomfort or telling my trusted people how i truly felt about things. well, now im deciding that as i grow up, i dont want to enable people to do things that make me uncomfortable. over the last few years ive been trying harder, but i still try really hard to avoid arguing with others because even if im unhappy i dont want to create conflict pointlessly. its a balancing act!!! so difficult o.O!!!!!!!!

hey guize X3 i have some updates ~ !!!!!!!!!!

the best news is that i FINALLY GOT A GOOD JOB!!!!!! im working in a hotel right now. i signed up to work nights but it might be a little while until i work nights regularly. even so, i actually got a paycheck and so im really excited !!! im still sad im not writing or doing anything related to what i studied, sure, but i have to be patient with myself and take baby steps towards getting my life together. my coworkers are all really funny too. theres miss hollie who is a sassy 80 year old, gina who is a sassy 30 year old, and the other two night auditors jazzmin and laurie. theyre really nice people and theyre all super entertaining. i still have other coworkers that i havent spent a lot of time with but for the most part i think they rock :D !!!!!!

ive had a bit of writters block sadly but im hoping to take time to edit and work on my novel more this week and maybe take a road trip. not to visit V yet sadly but we are planning to see each other soon :'D! i got to talk to his dad on the phone a few times which was fun.

flub also came home for a weekend and we went thrifting. i found a lot of cool y2k style clothes like patterned skirts and a furry hoody. he has a secret girlfriend that his mom told me about but we didnt talk about her lol. i also went to the hebrew bookstore with his sister. it was good to see people i love. i hope to see more friends soon!

right now im at work chillin and drinkin SODA O.o !!!!!!!!!!! love u guyz ttyl < 333333333333333!

dealing with this depression is one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. since the last time i posted in my journal ive been taking steps to control my binge eating and doing exercises again. ive gone for a lot of walks and im pleased that im already starting to see the results :)))))) i still need to keep working hard but im trying to be optimistic.

theres so much stuff to sort through at home. i have this horrible habit of shopping too much. its decreased a lot in recent months but as i go through my things i realize, i have so much garbage. ill try to sell and donate all of it in the next few months. i also applied for a job at a grocery store to hopefully start saving money. instead of wondering if i can do anything, im going to tell myself that i CAN do this, and that i WILL do it. i dont want to wonder about if im capable anymore. i just want to be capable.

i still feel like im in somewhat of a fog. but i started taking zoloft a few weeks ago, and honestly, i feel as if im a little more in control of things now. even if its just a small change, its one i can notice. when im lying in bed feeling sad, i can hear a little voice in my head starting to scream at me to get up, get up! even now as im writing this i can hear a voice saying get up, Z and start cleaning! youll feel better!

well its good to hear this voice telling me to do the right thing. i wonder where it had been all these years. i think if i keep persisting in therapy and continuing with my medicine and actually listening to it my life will improve a lot. i cant wait to feel like im in my body again. i cant wait for the weird static around my vision to go away. im going to fight really hard for a good life!!!!!!!!

i updated my site a bit :D!!! hopefully, i will work on it more this week. i dont have much to say other than that, it was an uneventful weekend and i mostly cleaned, then yesterday i went to the store with my little sister. the drive through the city was really nice :D !!!!!!!!!

tomorrow im going to help my friend pack up stuff to move from his apartment. he was supposed to move last week, but our friends funeral took up a lot of time. ill bring him some sweets and tea as encouragement.

i was trying to write yesterday, and i was thinking so hard that my head started to hurt :((((( hopefully it was just me being exhausted, and nothing serious. today i have a bad headache from being on my phone all day. i decided that from now on im going to limit myself to just a few hours of screen time each day aside from writing or sometimes coding. i really want to feel better! i think being on my devices obsessively has a negative impact on my health *sobs*............

HAIIIIIIIIIIIII EVERYONE :D

i hope everyone out there on the interwebs is doing goooooooooooooooooood :3 im sorry its been so long since i updated everything.........well, you know, life comes at you fast. my health hasnt been too good lately, ive been having a racing heartbeat and a lot of weird headaches, dizziness, all kinds of negative symptoms..... ill go to my docotor again next week and continue to try and diagnose anything thats wrong. hopefully its just my migraines and my anxiety, and that i dont have anything else to worry about >_<

last week my very beloved friend cloin died in an accident. i think thats been causing a lot of my distressing feelings, as well as stress about jobs... thats right!!! i still havent found one. ive basically given up hope, and i think i will probabbly just do the gypsy tradition of living in a trailer or an RV very soon, staying at home with my mom while im dealing with such grief isnt especially fun. :P my friends funeral service was very good though- it was a very honest service, and it was so nice to see old friends and greive for our dear friend together who will never be forgotten < 333333 !!!!!! he was such a simple, silly and sweet person, and i feel confident that i will see him again someday........somewhere.................. until then my sweet and special friend !

on the brightside things are good with V. i went for a few weeks visit to see him and it was really fun.......but that was a while ago and im missing him again :(((( ive been keeping busy by writing a novel~~~ and maybe someday i will actually finish it and publish it, but in the meantime he is really proud and my friends are all helping me edit it :D!!!!!!! im a lucky person to have so many people who love me :)))

another reason i was away for so long is because a few months ago i got really high and it sort of traumatized me.......... i needed a long time to recover....... i also had a bad BPD episode in december triggered by my dads family....... now im in therapy a few times a week. im sure you can all imagine why i have such little energy for coding these days..........

well anyways, im hoping to update my website a bit :3 it might look very different but ill try to make it even more of my own now :'3 i think a lot of people post stuff and say theyll update their website and then they never do, but i want to try really hard to continue working on it. using this website and keeping a journal here did help me to feel better for a long time. i dont want to give up!!!!!!!!

im sooooo sore right now............. ive been going for a lot of walks to get fresh air and stuff XP ive been enjoying the cold a lot, even though i still miss V and wish he was here :( on the bright side he seems like hes feeling a lot better, so thats good :)

i did some more code stuff......... been feeling lazy because ive been in so much pain and discomfort but its ok because i know that my body needs to rest.... fishy is home and hopefully my other friends will come home soon as well :D fishy and i went to the park yesterday and got chased by cops O.o jkjkjk lol XD

other than all of thatttt...................................really not much to write about. just hoping that i stop being uncomfortable and in pain soon.

pretty basic day... read a book, cooked myself three whole meals as well ^^ feeling a bit paranoid about all things privacy and security wise.......i really understand V's position on these things now XD i stayed in bed most of the morning, and then in the afternoon dan showed up for a surprise visit, so we went to the european market and grocery store together. he said there was an estate sale he wants to go to tomorrow and asked if id drive him so at least ill have something planned for tomorrow :P

i still havent officially quit my trucking job X| i know i know i really need to!!!! ive not even gone for over a week. i just feel so sick and scared and small, i cant bring myself to do much of anything the past few days. im super worried about V, hes been feeling so poorly i just want to run to him :((((

anyways.........before i go to bed, is it just me, or does it feel like reliable information about ANYTHING is becoming harder and harder to access and understand? everything is so polarized, even down to medical science. thats part of why i dont trust it of course. gahhhh >.< i just wish that i had more guidance!!! i wish i had an ancestor or a saint or an angel to come and explain to me that everything is okay and nothing is as bad as i think it is..... i want a warm hug and to be promised that everything is gonna be okay soon !!!!

ive been having some deep thoughts about western culture and thinking. first of all, i hate the idea of "scientific fact". i dont believe there is such a thing. i think science is just one tool out of many that we can use to make sense of the world.... but science really only works to understand the physical world, and so arrogant western sceintists decide that there can only be the physical world, insisting that there are no spiritual truths. miracles and visions are decried as mass psychosis, hallucinations, or mere coincidence. its an awfully reductive way to look at the world, decrying everything you dont understand as a "fairy tale".

this is what happens with politics as well, i believe. yesterday amidst the ground war in ukraine, errant missiles struck somewhere in poland. immediately, western pundits took to the airwaves to talk about how these were clearly russian missiles, this was clearly a russian attack, and that if the russians were to suggest otherwise that it would be a mere conspiracy theory, another notch in the belt of russian propaganda. western thinking is defined by arrogance. western thinking insists upon itself. it became obvious very quickly that the missiles landed in poland were russian made missiles fired by ukranians, but the ukranians doubled down, promising to launch their own investigation and deliver the "truth".

as ive said before, im not terribly interested in the outcome of this war, but i have sympathy for all people who suffer. but it exposes so much about the western culture and thought. anything that is unacceptable to the westerner is myth. the westerner has created the "scientific method" and called it infaliable while suppressing all other methods of science and spirituality. the truth is that science is hardly infaliable. we only need to look online for endless articles and podcasts about the wacky world of "junk science" to see that it is only a certain way of looking at the world, and that is is sometimes an incomplete theory.

i do think that the western world is a somewhat rotten place. liberals in the west are cheerleaders for programs like medical assistance in dying being offered to people whose only diagnosis is mental illness- which is to say, that theyre enthusaistic about eugenics and many are seeking it for themselves, or laughing to themselves about it under the guise of "dark humor". westerners smugly say that if they were ever to create a superintelligent artificial intelligence with godlike powers, it would be so smart that the first thing it would do is eliminate humankind. the western culture is one that places a hatred of life at its center. it insists that intelligence has only to do with what is most productive, what earns the most money, what is the most efficient, what benefits the global dominance of the west. intelligence is somehow both completely benevolent- think how "science" is sometimes portrayed as the greatest good of all, taking the place of religion in the secular west- but also inherently violent- think most of science fiction, endless stories of malevolent and godlike AI, stories of alien invaders enslaving the inferior humans and stripping their land of its resources. and again, as things become so polarized due to the decline of...... well, whatever period of history or state of being we currently exist in, things only become more polarizing, and that which is unacceptable is more and more often decried as fairy tales, psychosis, propaganda, and pure myth.........

.......... LOL XD sorry for the insane rant. anyways this week has been difficult. i hurt my neck and havent been able to work much, mostly just sitting around on painkillers, trying not to think about hurting myself. i feel so useless and small, with no money and my mom gone away to care for family and V very far away. these past few days, i really feel like i have no one to talk to. i always have the sense that im annoying V somehow (he promises im not!!!) which is a selfish way to think, because he isnt feeling well, and his dads caught a virus, so hes been tired and stressed. its no wonder hes been a bit quieter than usual. i know that when im stressed or sick or sad all i want to do is curl up into a ball and sleep for days, only getting up to cry.

on the bright side, ive been doing a lot of code stuff :D look at me go !!!! i made a theme for neocities but im not sure when/where/if ill post it XP im also looking into learning to use python to download or "scrape" pictures from my favorite websites :))) i know that having a hard drive full of saved pictures isnt necessarily "efficient", but im sure that if youve read my journal at all you can get the sense that im a paranoid person and i dont trust technology too much XD so i always want to make backups of my things if i can, especially in case i ever run away with V to a far away place and the internet goes away...... nobody seems to worry about it that much!!! its like the internet is a sure thing, and everything will remain the same forever...that kind of thinking is certainly like the arrogant western attitudes i was criticising earlier XD my mom has always raised me to be skeptical of technology because its so new and we don't always understand it. perhaps its a paranoid position to have, but its one i have anyways...i am very thorough about documenting things well XD

speaking of documenting things well, im thinking this week i will get rid of some of my books. heres the thing: i love having an overfull bookshelf. i love reading and shopping for books and talking about books. it just so happens that many of the books i buy, i never read or touch. i tend to buy books that look fancy or interesting and then find that the author is repulsive, that its downright boring, or makes me have no reaction whatsoever. but i still hold on to all these books. usually without reading them. before the economy became bad it made a lot of sense to me to just go out and buy bags of used books by the pound or something, or to go to a charity store and indulge everything that interested me... but i want to take a reverse approach, i think, to limit the amount of resources im consuming. yes yes i know that it wont make much of a difference in saving the planet or whatever XP but its going to be more meaningful and sustainable for me, i think. ill go to the library and find the book i want to read, read it, and if i like it ill purchase it. that way my personal library is only things i really, really love and cherish, and not just whatever caught my eye at the store or on a website XD it seems im quite an easy person to be marketed to at times!!!

but there is also a sadness i feel- i think, "gosh, i cant possibly get rid of this dreaful book i hated, because my mom bought it with me that week i wanted a new book but would have had to spend my grocery money on it, what a cherished memory!!!" but that makes me even sadder, that some of my cherished memories in the past are connected to simply going shopping and adding to my growing pile of crap i dont really need. im quite a savvy shopper and i tend to only buy used items but even so, shopping can sometimes be a compulsive and addictive habit as i have borderline personality disorder. ive found myself saying again and again that i move so much, my life is so unstable. but if i buy whatever i like....well, i can just pack my personality up into a suitcase and take it with me wherever i have to go next. its been a good way to avoid ever having to confront my fragmented identity and bad behavior.

poor Z!!!! i hope i am able to develop a personality soon so i can suffer less D:< i want to be curious, gentle, and fun-loving, not just someone with a good eye for antique jewelry boxes XD

ughhhh this weekend has been rough. my mom got electrocuted by our washer because it broke and she was trying to fix it. i had to take her to the emergency room bc she was passing out and i thought maybe she was having a heart attack :( she ended up being okay but unfortunately she has nerve damage over one side of her body and it might take years for her to go back to normal. V also hasn't been feeling very well, and all the stress of the sickness and injuries caused me to have a migraine episode that was worse than i'd had in years. sigh :(

i spent a lot of time working on code this weekend though, so that was really fun. i drew a lot, too, and worked on that gyjo fic i had started. i love gyjo so much X'3 theyre really such a comfort ship to me. ive run into a couple of issues while coding but i think i will be able to work them out. i might even make some custom neocities themes and share them :D ive been meaning to make a resources pages for a while now. i also learned how to write in markdown, but thats not super hard XD

i still need to figure out what im going to do about work..... i havent had the health or energy to delivery drive this weekend and im not sure when im going to feel up to it again. its not a bad job, because i can listen to music and stuff, but sometimes driving such long distances and having to pay for gas gets really exhausting. im still praying for something good to happen, and for my life to change for the better. if youre reading this i hope youll pray for me too.

today was a doozy............. i started things off by going to two of my favorite grocery stores and skipping work. i got some cider, pierogies, kanafeh, and chocolates. V and i talked on the phone the whole time and it was really nice to have some company :) . i came home and took a shower and a long nap, then i set up a new scratch post for my cat, and then my mom and i walked our dog to the mailbox to mail some stuff for work. after that i came home and read, and, well, jeez........

i started reading this book called "seasonal associate" by a lady named geisser heike. its a very plain book so to speak, not a lot of fanciness or magic to it. it takes place in modern day germany which ive always envisioned as a colorless atheist hellscape, and to make matters worse its all about working in an amazon warehouse. its just such a depressing book........... im not going to be able to finish it i dont think, its just wholly too depressing. its making me realize that im probably never going to have a pleasant job. everything is so corporate and soulless, nobody makes enough money, hyperindividualistic culture convinces everyone that they should abandon their families and cultures and live all by themselves in cookie cutter homes.

ive had these anxieties about capitalism and western culture since i was very small, and they got really bad when i was a teenager. for a while, i thought maybe things weren't as bad as i thought , but the truth is that theyre probably worse than i ever imagined. besides that i also read some articles published by this journal that i thought were really vile and inappropriate. i generally feel nauseous tonight :(((( with depressing books like "seasonal associate", i always wonder if i should keep them or get rid of them. on one hand i think that they depict the grim reality of this world, but on the other hand they dont really offer comfort or porpose solutions. they suggest that the western imagination is quite limited :P

i sometimes feel a little strange writing about such topics on here. i want my online experience to be one of fun and raw expression!!! i want to capture the essence of the late 2000s in all its glory.....i want to talk about the culture and fashion and media of the time period, and i want my experience to capture that as well...but sometimes its hard to do. im a thoughtful person, and i long for a better world. i dream of a world where young people and elders are treated with dignity, where we seek to eliminate the root of our problems rather than to create and sell partial solutions. i dream of a world where i can have a modest life in a small community, where i can be in love and write and paint and sheer sheep and look after babies and quilt and cook for my neighbors and watch television. i dream of a world where everyone is able to live a peaceful life, where everyone has dignity and there is always justice. i dream of a world where there is equality and equity and all that other good shit.

i worry about the dignity of all people. i think that a lot of the solutions that are proposed to the misery of this world are toothless and inefficient. i think the purpose of these solutions is just to reinvigorate people enough to go out and earn more money. it doesnt resolve the heart of the issue. i resent the west for exporting their miserable system to the rest of the world....... and i could talk for days about how angry i am, how much i want justice for the opressed people of the world, but it woldnt even matter XP all i can do is my part. i will pray that i have a life where i am able to protect and dignify other people and to alleviate their sufferings... i know that i have a big heart even if i get angry and upset sometimes. im not helpless, and even if i can only do a little at a time, i can still serve people who need it.

oh my god its been a rough couple of days............. im overtired and my head is killing me again after it not hurting for a while....... ive been downloading a lot of music and reading material though and i did actually manage to get started on a gyjo fic X3 ive been working pretty hard at coding as well!!! starting to feel a lot more comfortable, i updated my sticker page just using some stuff from scratch and i feel proud ^_^!!!

i chickened out of quitting my job today. tbh ive been thinking about it and i wonder if ive accidentally been working for a pyramid scheme O.o that would be awkward...... anyways i guess ill give it until the end of the week or so before i really decide. i know ive been saying that for weeks but still :((( AUGH i just want to see V.............maybe get out of this stupid effing country together somehow. everyday i read the news and things just seem to be getting worse and worse. this morning i read a really horrible article about police violence that made my stomach churn :(((

i know that every country has problems, but amerika seems to just been rotten to its core. the culture is based in individuality and militarism. the religious and spiritual life of the country is barren. people feel out of place and disillusioned with all aspects of amerikan life and so they become violence to try and somehow......re-integrate into the fabric of amerikan culture which is based on violence and destruction. its a hopeless cycle for sure.....

anywaysssss..........i do have to say im really enjoying sort of returning to a de-centralized internet.......... ive been looking into a lot of ways to make being online more enjoyable, and im working really hard to break the dangerous cycles of just endlessly dOOOooooomscrollingggggg whenever i need a fix of.......whats it called??? dopamine???? XD hopefully will get outside for a walk this evening........tomorrow ill go do some delivery driving as well..........i hope X_X i have so much stuff i need to do still!!!! i mentioned it all already in my last journal entry but ive really been slacking T_T its just so hard to feel motivated sometimes.

ALSO!!!!!!!!! last night i read two books B))) i feel really smart and accomplished. one of the books was really shitty and gross though >.< it was one of those weird pulpy horror novels, where the author just seems to try and write the nastiest grossest most shocking story imaginable. i should have known that right away but i ended up reading the wholeee thing and i felt sick afterwards :P the other book i read to "cleanse my palette" was a book about orthodox christianity by fr seraphim rose! it was a pretty enjoyable read for the most part, but there was a section where he started to rant about communism XD it kind of threw me off. however he talked a lot about how the true christian is distinct from others because of "a loving heart". i thought that was a sweet way to say it!!! living in the west i havent met so many "true christians" however XD

oh man ive been somewhat neglecting this site the past few days T_T ive been really busy!!!! i did another shift of delivery driving and spent a lot of time with V on the phone trying to work on computer stuff... and ive also been thinking about starting another fic X3

ohhh my god but yeah i also spent hours and hours all weekend deleting old photos and videos off my phone...... trying really hard to reduce the amount of storage it all takes up. so much of my photos on my phone is like... very old pictures, screenshots of random crap, so much from when i was together with my ex boyfriend. looking at the photos made me feel really sick to my stomach. i cried a lot. it makes me feel uncomfortable to see photos of myself from years ago when i was very feminine and trying to hide from my gender identity. it makes me even sadder to seen screenshots of my ex saying cruel and disgusting things to me. im deleting most of those screenshots but weirdly enough i even want to keep some of them as a reminder for how badly i was treated so i know i never deserve to be treated that way again. i try to take an unflinching look at my life, and to love every version of myself at every age, but some years of my life are simply unbearable. my ex was vile. his treatment of me was vile and horrible, and i take back every time i was ever polite or forgiving towards him since the end of that relationship. i am so repulsed by the way he treated me and i cant believe i was willing to forgive what he did. i didnt deserve to be treated that way.

im getting so sick of living with my mom. when shes nice things are good but sometimes she can be so nasty and mean to me, even just in the tone of voice she has. its embarassing when im on the phone with V and he can hear my mom being mean to me XP. so im going to be really committed this week to doing what i need to do to wrap up the stage of my life living here. i need to organize and then scan and photograph all my old writing and art. i need to get onto the hard drives of old computers that have old writing and photographs. i need to make a pile of things to take to the consignment store, and another pile to donate. i need to keep working hard to find a good remote job, and to make an effort to delivery drive and pay off the rest of my credit card. aughhh im just so ANXIOUS!!! i want to see my V :((((

i decided to start going to therapy again. thankfully i was able to get an appointment very quickly. things went well, my therapist said we'll focus mostly on improving my self confidence and doing DBT skills. its not going to help me get a job or improve my feelings about the geopolitical crises going on, but i think it might help me to deal with my own personal life which is good.

speaking of geopolitial crises, it turns out that over fifty countries voted against a measure designed to prevent the glorification and spread of n*zism......... fifty fucking countries . i dont even have words for it. for a really long time i was taking a position that things weren't that bad, and that the liberals who were crying about facscism didnt understand what it really was. turns out thats because the liberals were the ones endorsing that sort of ideology. i feel repulsed..........and afraid :(((( i cant believe the direction the world is going in. i cant believe theres going to be a second cold war. as it's said in the bible, in ecclesiastes 1:9........"what has been will be again, and what has been done will be done again...there is nothing new under the sun".

ive said before that im not sure where i stand religiously. im not going to get into the full reason why. but sometimes, when things like this happen, i think about how jesus was really kind, and how if he was here today he would be a refuge and comfort for all the people being hurt by the violence and racism and vile hatred in the western world. not that the eastern world is perfect either. sighs. i wish my grandparents were alive and could be here to guide me. i can pray all i want and do my best to understand my dreams and such but it doesnt make it less hard to know i wont get to hug them again and ask them for their advice in a way i can understand. sometimes faith takes a lot of brainpower and im stupid so i just dont have it!!!!!!

had a pretty lazy day........ i did a few hours of coding to try and make a new theme for my tokyo mew mew shrine, and i also made a spacehey!!! if anyones reading this and wants to add me click hereeeee!!!! V helped me with some code stuff, hes so smart.

i had some katchapuri for dinner. its georgian cheese bread. i made it with ricotta, mozarella, feta, fresh dill, pepper, and an egg. it was tasty :3 i also played with my cat for a little while. work sucked and i barely did anything. i havent checked the news yet today but im sure thats bad too. i wish i was curled up watching tv and enjoying some fried chicken with my love :[[[[!!!!

i had a productive day today ^_^ made some phone calls at work, who knows if theyll go anywhere......applying for jobs.....i did some delivery driving tonight and i did okay actually, it was annoying when i had to drop stuff off at a rly complicated apartment complex XP but i got through it lol. i talked to V on the phone afterwards but unfortunately my sister was home and she was arguing really loudly with my mom :c it was embarrassing..... V has a very calm and quiet house which i like, i want to live in a home that is nice and quiet. every time my sister is over she behaves like white trash. when she was walking through the house with shoes on i was yelling at her and she was saying "what tradition are you trying to preserve anyways"..... i dont know, maybe the one where we are neat and clean -_-........ my mom has been so depressed because of my dads overdose and my sister becoming addicted and running away that in the past few years she barely cleans at all. its embarrassing to me when my sister is so dirty >_< and it pisses me off a lot. i want to live in a neat, quiet, and clean house like we had before......a house like V's :(((((( i know he doesnt judge me, and i want to show him more about my life, but its embarrassing to show my dirty sister and her bad behavior and our shitty old house.

and anyways, im feeling kind of stressed out and sad about politics again. DPRK was launching a lot of missiles this morning and some landed in south korea. i dont have particularly strong opinions on the politics of DPRK honestly but........ the south korean and USA response to DPRKs shows of force is always to do their own show of force, which will always provoke DPRK to do a show of force, which will provoke south korea and the USA to do a show of force........ its an endless escalatory spiral. probably only a matter of time before it escalates to a nuclear conflict > _ _< gahhh no matter how much i study things like the history of nuclear weapons, strategic stability, arms control, the cold war, etc.etc.etc. being confronted with the possibility of dying really horribly makes me feel like a little kid, and i just want to curl up and be told its all okay even if it isnt! i guess the most reassuring thing ive learned in my study of nuclear stuff is that its a lot more complicated then the "big red button" trope we see in movies and games and stuff. i try to be hopeful....i promise!!!!

i also talked with fishy for a little while today, he sent me a bit of money to help me pay back my credit card faster so i can leave and go back to V....... and also back to the mythical land of cheap gas and groceries XD i miss the place i was living there before, i was right next to a market with all kinds of food from all over the world and it was usually even cheaper than walmart! i had a lot of energy as well and cooked almost every day... being home makes me feel so helpless and sad XP i would say i like it because my cat is here, and because there are more places to walk around to and i dont have to pay for rent... but my mom takes my money so its kind of a moot point as they say XP.

yesterday was HALLOWEEN :D!!!!!!! it was an okay day. work was a nightmare, i didnt even get any applications i think im definitely going to quit. i was supposed to hang out with jelly and dress up and stuff but i felt too lazy, so i just stayed at home and handed out candy to kids and talked with V on the phone for a while. there were a lot of kids with cute costumes X3 one of my faves was a kid who dressed up as a tornado, so he was covered in puffy stuff and a bunch of little plastic houses, cars, and animals. it was funny cuz we dont even get twisters out here so i was like O.o?? but after that my little sister came over and we actually went trick or treating XD it was kind of awkward bcos we're both in our 20s but we were polite and we had a lot of fun. she just put on an old sheet ghost costume and i found a mask in the basement and we went to like three streets in thirty minutes.... we were walking so fast XDDDD unfortunately she left right afterwards probably to go get high -_- i had apples and a spicy pasta with cheese for a midngiht snack, i was up late looking for online books X3

it seems as if christmas has come early this year however, because........................ NEW JOHNNY ART CAME OUT

hes so cute and the colors suit him so nicely!!!!! he makes me happy!!!!! X3 but not as happy as V lol c:

today has been okay. i found a good website for stickers and glitter graphics, and learned how to code glowing text. i think if i keep up with this pace of coding for a few more weeks ill be in a really good place. its just a matter of keeping my focus, and God knows that can be difficult.

im doing some laundry today, which is always fun for me ^_^ i really enjoy adding things like softener, vinegar, or cologne to my laundry to make it smell crisp and clean.

this week im deciding to only put in maximum four hours a day at work, and for half an hour of my lunchtime ill apply for other jobs. if i dont get anyone hired by the end of this week, well......i might just quit. at the very least ill begin doing delivery driving again to pay off my credit card all the way and then ill get back to see V as soon as i possibly can.

i do feel sad about my appearance today. having a day where i feel like im not thin enough, i dont know if V would like my hair longer or if he is okay with it being the length that it is, or if there is some surgery he thinks i might look better with. whenever i ask him about these things he says im perfect the way i am but i find it hard to believe.......but V is very kind to me. i do my best to be trusting. sometimes i just worry too much about what people think of me, and how i look. for example i have a few tattoos and i sometimes really enjoy them, but the other 50% of the time im wanting to remove them because i cant look innocent and vulnerable with tattoos, and sometimes i think the only reason anyone found me attractive before was because i was very obviously young and naive and wouldnt be able to navigate the situations they put me in. i really only felt like i was desireable from ages 12-18. now i think ill only get more and more unattractive. on a personal note i wouldnt mind aging and id love to be heavily tattooed (i think...) but i know how men treat women who they find intimidating, undesirable, or who they think are old. and the truth is that the world is run by men. i think i wouldnt feel safe living in a world run by men which only reinforces my feeling that i dont have a place in this world.

then again, i dont even really consider myself to be a woman. i dont particularly like identifying as a woman. i dont like being categorized as a woman. i think of myself more like a girl who is a boy, or a boy who is playing dress up, but is also "part girl". i hardly want to be a man, either though......i know there are people who take hormones and have surgeries so they can feel more comfortable in their bodies, but that's not something im interested in doing. i dont even like the label "queer" for myself. it doesnt mean anything to me. i think the most suitable ideas about gender for me come from indigenous american and jewish culture, but im not terribly connected to my indigenous ancestry at the moment, and im only ethnically jewish so using talmudic gender ideology when im not a religious jew feels..... idk XP i guess it would mean that my understanding of the identity is incomplete.

fun fact, amy winehouse is also jewish from belarus :D .

anyways, i dont fit into any western ideas about gender, and frankly i think that trying to introduce my mom to western gender ideology confused and upset her and probably damaged our relationship in a horrible way. i think if i had introduced her first to ideas about gender from her own cultures it would have been much easier for her to understand.

its saturday!!! i had a pretty mixed day. jelly and i went clothes shopping at the thrift stores........we went to a couple stores but ended up finding really good stuff at goodwill..shocker i know. thrift stores have beeen getting more and more expensive lately, but we went to a goodwill that was a bit out of our way and it was great! i got a lot of new outfits and didnt spend that much money bc we got clothes with 50% off tags. afterwards we went to get snacks and the cashier was...really incel-y. it was like textbook incel stuff, he was asking if we watched anime or played video games and had boyfriends and he took like 10 minutes to check us out. i think men like that get off on making women uncomfortable.

after that i went to a cookout at my neighbors...... the food was really good. i had pasta with clam sauce and baked chicken. i also got a plate of sweets to take home. my mom was really drunk there and she came home and drank more. it reminded me of my dad, but i tried not to think about it too hard.

other than that im just stressed over the news.... ukrainians are continuing to attack crimea, finland is saying if they join NATO they will be willing to host nuclear weapons on their territory... i dont think any of this is good. i think its dishonest to present this as a war for democracy when the truth is it seems to be a war against russia. i am not particularly affiliated with any side, and i have humanitarian concern for all people affected by war.......but this just feels like its all going to go in a very frightening direciton. ive felt this way since things escalated in february. we still have family in ukraine. theyre gypsies and so the ukrainian government makes it hard for them to leave. i wish i could talk with them somehow, or help them.......but at least we are in touch with our distant cousins from russia and uzbekistan.

i miss flubby today. i feel like im invisible to him right now :((( hes having so much fun with college. when i saw him last weekend he was somewhat dissmissive to me, but he could see that he hurt me and he apologized when it happened. i appreciate small acts of kindness. it just made me sad to be in his house talking to jelly and auntie b and he wasnt around :(((

i also (of course) miss V a lot. when the news is scary he holds me and he promises we'll run away to another country if it ever gets too bad. i wont say which country though...... V is a private person and i will respect that :] just like i wont tell you the life he said we could have there XD but its good!!! sometimes i think its even better than a life we can have here. its strange how sometimes people immigrate to the USA and they immediately become very highly wealthy and buy mansions and send their kids to school and have expensive things... while other immigrant families get stuck in cycles of generational poverty.... as a gypsy i am always realizing that the USA is not always the paradise that many people seem to think it is. we lose our language, our customs, our clothing, our music, our culture..... we try our best to assimilate into this country because we are so unwelcome in europe only to remain in poverty forever. my family from other cultures seems to have less trouble assimilating, but we gypsies............ its quite difficult for us. then again i dont think assimilation is so good. in any case, i hope i will be able to do what my ancestors did, and to strive and find the place that will be best for me. i will pray that God will protect me and love me and help me to have a good life.

well i was right not to hold my breath about my applicants working out- every single driver ive talked to since starting this job has either ghosted me or taken another job because the carriers are all slow and screwing me over. its been two weeks with no successes to speak of, and ik my supervisor said it might take me 30 days or so to get someone hired, but i dont really have a lot of patience right now.

sometimes i feel like nobody in my life understands why im so anxious all the time, and why everything i do has a feeling of urgency- but the truth is, for me death is always just around the corner. everything i do, i do because i want to have a good, peaceful death. i want to die peacefully, at home, surrounded by people i love. thats all i think about all the time, and ill do anything to help me accomplish that. the truth is i have no more desire to write or make art or do anything, because it feels meaningless in the face of death, even though i know it isn't. it just feels like death is already right here with me, and there's no more time left for me to be creative.

........on the other hand, i think there's probably an imminent global war on the horizon so nothing really matters anyways. in my head when i say these things, i feel like im being practical:its pointless for me to write poetry and paint because its not going to earn me any money, and its pointless to worry about earning money because there's probably going to be a nuclear war that kills pretty much everyone in the US cuz of our crappy infrastructure and hyperindividualistic nightmare culture, so there's really not much to do but save enough money to hopefully buy a plane ticket to south america ASAP and keep an eye on the news.... but when i write this all out, it sounds like the ramblings of an insane person. i probably need therapy :P

on the brightside, halloween is coming up. i dont have any plans but i might hand out candy to kids. i think i want to dress up like dorothy from the wizard of oz, so maybe ill go thrifting this weekend to find a cute blue dress and some sparkly red shoes. it doesnt really seem like anyone is gonna wanna hang out though :PPP flubby, fishy, and king are all out of town (and besides that none of them even seem to care about me anymore), jelly is busy, dan is old and boring, and V is one million miles away. i have some aquaintances i could maybe hang out with, but idk about that either... i guess if nothing else happens ill just take some cute pictures and maybe listen to some music :D .

i guess assuming the imminent global war doesnt kick off between now and monday (and who really knows with these things anymore, stupid biden and his warhawks are just itching to start a war with china) ill just look for cute costumes, and daydream about having a happy life with V..... in my head its a nice life, we live in the mountains and we have cats and rabbits and chickens, we play bingo and go on vacations to the casino where we always win big, we have nice neighbors who bring us jam and jelly (even though ik V doesnt like jam and jelly that much...he'll just have to deal with it XD ), and we always decorate for the holidays. in my head V and i have a very happy life and we arent a million miles away from each other all the time.

im also gonna take a shower today. ive been really depressed, i havent showed for like three days XP which may actually be the longest ive gone in my life without taking a shower. i havent gone anywhere so im not that dirty and ive washed my face and changed my clothes and stuff........but still. feeling lousy ;(

boring ass day today. i made a few more phone calls at work, got a few applications, but im not holding my breath for making any money off them. i started applying to other jobs again. who knows if ill get any of those either -_- this economy is such a nightmare. anyways......... i also updated my resume, i just put that ive been doing freelance web development since i graduated, hopefully that makes me seem smart enough to get a good job but seem stupid enough that i didnt apply to a tech job right away. i started doing a 90 days course on devops today, so hopefully ill be able to have some good devops skill on my resume in a few months......

ive been thinking about some fun things i can do with code, and i was thinking i might make a page(or a website) where you can look at prayer cards. so, the way it would work, theres an image of the front of the prayer card, and when you click on the card, it "flips" it over and then it shows the prayer on the back. maybe ill work on it over the weekend. i have a pretty extensive prayer card collection, so maybe i could scan them? that seems like a lot of work though XD but it might be a fun thing to add to a portfolio, showing what i can do with code for an entry-level job... must do some research 0_0....

tbh i might just use my journal here when i want to rant but dont want to bother anyone....... but anyways, who the heck is this andrew tate guy o.O????? apparently hes some sex trafficker (i know the type for sure lol) but he converted to islam so people online are saying that all his sins get forgiven and now we cant judge anything he does...uhmmm, i dont think it works like that XD in my mind, even if converting to a religion means that your sins are forgiven by god, that doesnt mean that people have to forgive you. if that were the attitude people had, then powerful people might use religion to take advantage of others......OH WAIT... XD anyways, im a religious person. im not 100% sure which religious i am (im still discerning or however you call it) but i dont think religious extremism is ever okay. nor do i think its okay for people to use religion to evade accountability and as a marketing tool, which is what this guy seems to be doing.... and surprise surprise, men are just eating it up!!!!! i swear to god, living in the west rots the minds of even pious people XD

well i got a cold in the middle of the night last night and woke up feeling miserable. i barely got anything done at work today...im honestly feeling really unmotivated. it feels pointless to commit 35-40 hours a week to working when i could do that for weeks and not ever make any money since i only get paid when a driver gets hired. its not that i dont take my job seriously its just hard to commit a lot of time and effort when im not even making a minimum wage. i might just quit and go work at mcdonalds until i can save up enough money to go be with V again. its seeming like a better idea everday........

its even more frustrating that i cant do any of the things i USED to do to make money. theres a bunch of clubs i could dance at if i really needed to, but lately ive heard that dancers in miami are having to go to NYC because theyre not making any money in miami.......let that sink in... DANCERS IN MIAMI ARE NOT MAKING ANY MONEY!!! i cant think of a lot of places it would be better to be a dancer in ordinary circumstances, maybe atlanta or houston?? but its really just absurd that you cant even make money poledancing and stripping in frickin MIAMI in this economy!!!!!

but honestly even if dancers were still making good money, i never want to have to do anything like that again. thinking about it makes my stomach hurt :((((( i just want to have an easy job i can do from home. im trying to be really commited to working on some HTML and CSS stuff, if i can get good at java and start freelancing maybe i'll be able to do frontend engineering.......eventually????????? idk i have no real idea how tech jobs work :P and it doesnt even really matter. im stupid. im not going to be able to get one. V thinks im smart but i wish he would just see me for the stupid person i am sometimes. it would be more comfortable for me if he just questioned my every choice and constantly made me doubt myself because thats all anyone in my life really did for me before.

on the brightside though, i actually managed to write some poetry. im not going to post it here because i feel like it might be an unwise move, professionally speaking, to post stuff i might publish on a website where im gonna complain about the government and traumadump constantly XP since im in a bit more of a writing mood though maybe i'll start working on fics or taking fic comissions again......... i hate my old fics but i feel like if i delete them off my AO3 people arent gonna wanna get comissions from me XP maybe ill do a batch of commissions and then ill move all my old fics into an archive.... something like that :B idk.

im gonna get back to working on some shrines. i learned some CSS and java and was able to make a slideshow for my shrine about jersey shore, so i was proud of that and want to try implementing it again. so far im really enjoying using neocities. i think i already said so yesterday but it feels really refreshing to have a place where i can express myself mostly in private. im wanted to delete all my social media with my real name someday... maybe after i get a good job with a salary and dont need to use shitty stupid social media to ~network~ and ~talk to employers~. ffssss i swear they wont even let you fill out a fcking paper application at mcdonalds today everything has to be online. i cant even tell you how many jobs i just gave up applying for bc they make you create accounts on their shitty websites and do like an hour of persoanlity tests just to not even give you the dignity of a rejection letter

btw college doesnt help you at all. if your reading this someday and youre a young person on the fence about going to college, unless your 100% sure you want to be a doctor or a lawyer dont even bother. ITS A BIG STUPID SCAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i graduated with a bunch of scholarships and honor society and a good GPA, i had a 4.0 GPA my senior year and i did internships and was a leader in campus organizations and i had jobs all four years and it DIDNT HELP ME GET A JOB AT ALL!!!!!!!!! now i cant even get unemployment. its a STUPID SCAM

pretty boring day. i made like, ten phone calls at work total, but i got three drivers' applications. i should be proud but it's anyone's guess if any of them are going to follow up with the carriers, get drug tested, go to orientation, and then get hired. i hope someday i can find a job where i get paid either hourly, weekly, or even yearly or something :P. i feel frustrated cuz its like i went to college thinking i was gonna break all these cycles of generational poverty and then OOPS I DIDNT LOL -_-... anyways, it was my little sister's birthday. i drew her a card and gave her a packet of christian cards. she only stayed for a few minutes and then left to go to her drug dealer's house. my mom and i argued about the dishes afterwards. ive been thinking about how much i cant wait to go see my boyfriend again, i miss having chores that are split up evenly. v is the best, hes really nice to me!!!! i also wish my friends would talk to me, i miss them all so much since they all moved away. i wonder what they would think of my website XD. they'd probably be all like "z your just looking for attention -3-" but not really.

i dont even think i want a lot of attention on this website. i really just wanted to play with HTML and feel like i still live in a simpler time or something. i want to write a little bit, without taking myself too seriously and worrying about grammar. i submitted a lot of pieces to school that were written like this- like, i had this poem written like a craigslist ad, and nobody seemed to think it was clever. in my head im like, WTF guyz 0_o we're all the same age, and we grew up on the same internet, how can you not know what i'm talking about ffsssss. anyways, i'm having fun. it's nice to pretend that the internet isn't this commodified cookie-cutter corporate nightmare hellscape, and that its still the way it was before. i think a lot of people are really missing that sense of self expression. i wanna help people express themselves more... but im lazy XP!!!!!!!!!